This is my Fucked Up Life

It all started as an average Saturday. I woke up exhausted from the night before and naturally couldn’t get back to sleep thanks to the slight hangover I was nursing. It was around midday and Stifler gives me a call. He tells me there’s a Superhero Street Festival happening toda-… before he can even finish I am sprinting out the door to get ready.

If there is one thing I am a huge fan of its Superheroes and if there is another thing I’m a fan of its costumed themed parties with hot drunk women. When the two combine you can bet your ass that mine will be there. However there was an issue: I had no costume prepared and the festival was that day. No problem, I walk into the nearest thrift store and am able to create a badass costume in no less than 15 minutes. With my blue tights, cape and red undies I was ready to get drunk, rage, hit on girls and fight crime.

I am ready but Stifler is not. In fact he takes about an additional two hours to get ready. While I question Stifler’s gender affiliation I begin to pound shots. By the time the two hours are up I have inhaled at least 10. Now this might have seemed like a bad idea (and it was), but I was so bored waiting that I blame Stifler and his tardiness for my excessive inebriation. So as you can imagine as we entered the festival I began to feel the effects of the alcohol. Rather than take heed to the warnings my body was giving to me, I decided to step it up a notch and took two handle pulls of bacardi, followed by purchasing a 40oz beer to back it up.

I begin my rampage. Every girl that passes by me I’m bringing in. Even girls that don’t like me initially slowly realize my awesomeness and succumb to my charm. At least that’s how I remember it. Either way I am winning at this festival.

After making out with a bunch of random girls in rapid succession my luck appears to have run out and things take a turn for the worse. The additional alcohol I drank upon entry begins to set in. I’m not really sure what happened after that but I distinctly remember getting my face painted and some girls fighting for my attention. By this time I have lost Stifler, my friends and my phone. Confused and alone I then decide, for some reason, it would be a good idea to run 10 blocks all the way back to my place. And as far as I know I just passed out there.

When I wake up, there is a girl laying next to me.  I quickly recognize her as one of my irregular booty calls but am very confused as to how she got she got there because I had no phone to call her. I cannot locate my wallet and am confused about my general existence so I decide to shut my eyes and hope it all goes away. When I open them again the girl is gone and my head feels as if a Rhino had stamped on it. I cannot remember the last 12 hours and simply assumed that I was passed out for all of them. However I was not.

On Monday I went to El Rio for dollar drink night. I high fived the doorman and walked in without paying cover or waiting in line, as I usually do. I was hoping I’d be able to get some free drinks as well because I had no money but the bouncer stopped me and told me to wait outside. This is unusual, I am a regular and know a good amount of the staff so I never pay for cover or wait in lines. He comes out and brings me my wallet. I was ecstatic at first but then am immediately concerned. Why was my wallet there? The bouncer who I knew pretty well by that point tells me that I upset a lot of the patrons at the bar on Saturday. I tell him this is impossible because I wasn’t there Saturday and just passed out early that night. But he tells me I WAS there. He tells me I came in tights on with my face adorned with paint and proceeded to piss off every single girl in the bar and offend all the others. This was so egregious in their eyes that I am banned from the establishment for life.

As I write this I can’t stop laughing about it because I literally have no recollection of this, not one. I don’t remember entering or even thinking about entering that bar on Saturday. However upon hearing the news I was pretty upset. El Rio had been my favorite bar and I was cool with most of the people inside so I couldn’t understand how one night completely derailed that. Now I think I do.

I always suspected that the bouncer who told me I couldn’t come back didn’t like me. It makes sense he’s married and working at a bar owned by lesbians and has seen me walk in and out of that place with I don’t know how many girls in the past 8 months. He’s probably seen me make out with even more there. My guess is, seeing as how I am still cool with all the other staff, that HE was the one that got me kicked out because he was player hating. What a fucking cunt. But whatever I figure if you aren’t getting kicked out of places in your 20’s you’re doing something wrong.

Date Occurred: May 2010

Date Written: July 2010

Date of Ocurrence: October 23rd 2009
Location: Isla Vista/Manzanita Village Dorms
Date Written: December 14, 2009

Was your 18th birthday fun? Mine sure was, here is how it went…

At the time it was the fall quarter of my freshman year and we were about 4 or 5 weeks into the quarter. It was a Friday and I was by myself in my single on October 23rd. My real birthday was on October 25th, but since this was a Sunday I thought I would try and make this day the night I celebrated it. I texted a few people to see if anyone was going anywhere interesting.

A few people respond back. I begin to look for people who might be willing to pregame with me. The time is approximately 9pm.

I realize there is no one I can pregame with for a number of reasons:

1. I live in a single and my neighbors were either never seen or did not seem to drink at all (I thought shit like this would never become a problem at UCSB, go figure)
2. Since my dorm was more or less in its own corner my neighbors numbered maybe 3 or 4, and I only really saw one of them ever.
3. The other people in my floor or house (whatever you want to call it, my dorm was weird) I did not interact with them much at that point. Plus in my arrogance I thought that I could make a better night without these people.
4. Oh yeah and I had no friends

So did I give up? Of course not. I drank by myself like a good alcoholic and decided to meet up with the people who I had been texting earlier.

Now drinking games normally aren’t as entertaining by your lonesome, but I watched Nip/Tuck and took a shot of vodka every time something fucked up or disgusting happened. By the end of the episode I had taken 8 shots.

As I was about to head out I took two more shots for the road. This would prove to be one of the worst decisions of all time.

I begin stumbling out and try and find some people who I know to walk with. After a few seconds of searching I say “fuck it” and walk by myself.

At this point details are too inaccurate to be actually recordable, so here is what I know for sure. I know I made it to IV because I remember leaning on a parked car and realizing this was a bad idea because while it felt insanely comfortable, an officer of the law would not have approved so much and words like “public intoxication” and jail came to mind very quickly.

Since I had no wish to be associated with these words, I decided to abandon my quest and head back. Unfortunately this task somehow proved a bigger failure than my attempt to party.

There is a short wooden fence maybe two and half feet high that separates IV from the UCSB campus. Sober I would have been able to step over it, jump over it, hell I probably could have even frontflipped over it (I used to be a gymnast), but in the drunken fucked in half you should not have drank this much you dumbass state I was currently in, I fell over it and crashed face first into the curb on the side of the street in front of a crowd of no less than five CSO’s (Community Service Officers). Essentially these are cops without the power to arrest others. Had they been real cops my ass would’ve been in jail faster than OJ Simpson’s after his long car chase.

They asked for my ID and other information to probably occupy themselves while they laughed at me.

I told them where I lived and they walked me back to my room and gave me some advice about college and how I shouldn’t get this drunk and shit, advice which I promptly forgot as soon as the sound waves passed through my ears.

It was at this point that I probably would have liked to have passed out or died, but oh no God had different plans for me and I was up all night crying, and puking out my internal organs by myself in my single.

I woke up at 7:30am and my face was stiff for some reason. I touched my face to find that it hurt like a bitch. I look in the mirror to find that my face is covered in blood, and instead of one those cool scars across the face you might see Rambo or Indiana Jones sporting it looked as if a seagull took a shit on my face and it stuck.

I stare around at my room and see it is a mess with vomit covering my sheets, my floor, and my walls.

At this point I realize I also have one of the worst HEADACHES of my life and my memory of last night began to recollect itself. I check my phone to see if anyone might have been worried about me, or wondered why I didn’t meet up with them.

Of course there are no messages in my inbox. Wait there was one… from my dad…. Telling me he was going to meet me early this morning for our birthday (We have our birthdays on the same day and were planning to celebrate them together on Saturday).

I stop for two seconds to take in the fact that I have no one at this school who gives a damn about me, and the only people who do give a damn (my parents) would kill me if they find out what I had done.

So yes that is the day I became a man.

A few weeks ago my favorite player of all time just announced that he will be retiring at the end of the MLS season. I guess I didn’t fully come to grips with the fact that he was my favorite player until he made the announcement but I’ve more or less known it for awhile.

I grew up watching Landon Donovan play for as long as I can remember. He was one of the first players I can recall seeing play at that rinky dink field, Spartan Stadium. I remember going to those games every week. I remember his stupid ass blonde hair he rocked for about a year when he was 19. I remember seeing him live making fun of Brandi Chastain’s celebration after he had scored in the MLS Allstar game. I remember him dribbling past German defenders and being so unlucky not to score in quarterfinals of the World Cup. I remember seeing him score a hat trick against Ecuador in what is probably the best game I have EVER seen a player play. I mean he didn’t just score three tap ins, he scored three of the best goals I had seen all in one game. There were games all throughout his career of him playing for the national team where he if he had not been on the field, the United States would have been embarrassed outright. I remember him going to LA Galaxy after he came back from Germany and him getting booed every time he touched the ball, but still managed to shut the crowd up with one of the sickest goals ever. Even then I couldn’t hate him. This was back when a lot of the MLS games were not even broadcast. You had to get some crazy cable package to watch them and even then the commentary would be in Spanish. I remember that game against Algeria where he cried like a little bitch after scoring the winning goal in the 87th minute to send the USA to win their group and make it to the next round. I thought for sure after all of these accomplishments Landon would surely have gone to Europe like many of the American players. But he never did. He played like shit for Leverkusen and couldn’t keep his spot at Bayern Munich after just six games. But he did two short stints for Everton in which he was voted Everton player of the month BOTH times. Had he made a concerted effort to play in Europe Landon could have started for a UEFA Champions League side no problem. We are talking about a player that won Best Young Player at the 2002 FIFA World Cup. Every single player that has won that award has become a World Class Player if they weren’t already then.

Now that he is retiring he is the highest scorer in MLS history, soon he will have the highest number of assists in MLS. He leads the US Men’s National Team in goals and assists (by a large margin) and is tied for most number of MLS Cups. He has won American Soccer Player of the year a record number of times and league MVP in MLS a record number of times. He fucking owns that league.

But again I think he fell short. I think he is making a mistake retiring at age 32 but now from watching him play for so long I almost understand it. The truth is that Donovan has been tired for a long time. He took a sabbatical from soccer to do other things and has never truly felt comfortable in the spotlight in my opinion. You see the way he talks and acts and he looks restless with the game.

This is quite a shame really because he was such an incredible talent. But it was wasted because he allowed himself comfort and didn’t push himself to the next level and so did not end up with the greats of the world like he could have. I’ll miss him a great deal but an important lesson can be gleaned from his legacy.

I had sex with a hot German girl. The possible reasons for this lay are many. I prefer to believe that it was my charm, confidence and alpha swagger that had it go down, however it is also very possible that she just went out to get fucked. My roommate told me after that her friend told him that she has a boyfriend and it is possible she just wanted to cheat on him. This is possible because not only did she not give me a blowjob even though I went down her (a serious sexual offence in my book) but she seemed a little bit reticent during the actual encounter. Despite this I got her to let loose and she came something like three times.

The sex happened in large part because my friends who had been talking to her all night slowly began to leave. It is possible and I think actually very probable that they were convinced they did not have a chance with her. I however always know I have a good chance. While they spent the whole night talking to her I made other moves and hit on other girls and got other numbers and still ended up being the one who bagged her. Even a year ago my buddies had seemed miles above me in terms of game but now I’m the one who is pulling girls every single night and aren’t getting nearly enough pussy.

From an objective perspective one can see the power of the work I have put in. I have unquestionably gone out more than they have and committed to improving my game and success with women substantially greater. My success however is less clear cut when I am actually out as there are times where it seems like I am failing while every other guy at the bar seems to be getting play. But these are not only growing less and less frequent but do not even accurately depict what is happening.

Quite simply if I wanted to be I could be seen with a girl at all times, however I am constantly looking for new ones and rarely if ever dedicate my time to just one. Most men don’t do that. Many try and find pussy by the path of least resistance (something I frequently did in the past) this involves going on easy quick to use sites like Tinder and relying on girls that they have hooked up with in the past. But it also involves staying with a female who they have gotten sex from before and pursuing her and peak hours of the night. This is usually a grave error because the opportunity cost is those peak hours when they could just as easily get a new one girl that night. This is something I frequently did in the past when I did not trust my ability to pull a new girl and it seems as if this how my old friends from college are thinking now. That in my mind is the biggest difference. They do not have the confidence to take action like I do. My skill is ahead of theirs but not so much that they wouldn’t have a chance against me. The problem they have is they do not take that chance.

Having said this I am nowhere near perfect in fact I would say my action willingness to take action needs to increase. As my mentor tells me although its cool I got laid I really have to step it up when the time calls for it.

Occurred: June 22, 2014

Written: June 24, 2014

This is a coming of age tale. Not so much me becoming a man, although it takes a certain kind of man to handle two chicks at once, but more hitting that famed stage of game that I had so desperately craved. I don’t know what I thought it would be like but it was fucking dope. Most likely the coolest shit I had done at that point. Just the sight of seeing two chicks sucking your dick at the same time, quite simply one of the hottest things a guy can experience.

It all started at El Rio. It was Saturday night and I had gone out every single night of that week. So far I hadn’t gotten one chick. There were at least a couple I should’ve banged and one that I just completely let slip out of my hands. When you are making out with two to three girls a night for three nights in a row and don’t actually pull, something is wrong. But by this point I was so you used to going out that walking up to girls was no big deal at all.

El Rio was fairly packed by 11 and I had a chick to meet up with at 12 (needless to say, I was not going to meet up with that chick). I chat up a few girls but nothing is happening, Jeremy asks if I wanna leave and I say yeah just let me hit on these two asian girls before. My game was very complicated, I basically said some shit, pulled up their shirts and told them to go back to my place with me and do some blow. They enthusiastically agree. Cocaine is the equalizer.

One is an fit older women covered in tattoos, while the other is young hot with half her head shaved. The older one is clearly the more dominant one.

We walk back and as soon as we get inside the older one is complimenting me with lies about how I am such a nice guy and shit. She does a bit of coke and then we get on the subject of each others bodies. She mentions she has great tits too to go along with her fit body. Sounds like I need to inspect this further, I pull down her shirt to verify and then start sucking on one. The other Filipino girl gets curious too and she start sucking on the other one as well.

I waste no time ripping off my pants in record time. The dominant one says, “have you ever been with two girls as sexy as we are?” I say no. She replies with “Well you’re about to.”

After that it was a magical playland for yours truly. Gawdammit I fucked the shit out of both of them. I was a little worried about my dick because I took a little bit of coke before I went out but as soon as she started sucking my dick I knew there was gonna be no problems. This was way too fucking hot for my dick to not be 100% in this.

I fucked them both into a coma. Making them both cum multiple times. The dominant one even squirted while she talked dirty to me. The other one turns out was a lesbian who was married to a french guy. Fucking weird I know, I’ll need more information to understand this dynamic. But she said my cunnilingus skills were on par if not superior to that of a lesbian girl. Yeah take that Women! Straight Men – 1 Lesbians – 0. Then I fucked her while her friend licked my asshole and balls. She even stuck her finger up my ass, which I went with only to not kill the vibe but I gotta say… I don’t know if that’s my cup of tea.

This is my first post and its going to be about events that transpired last weekend. There are two in particular I want to go over but this one will come first for the simple reason its actually easier to write about and it would also seem more fucked up to the average person than the other event but it actually isn’t.

Recently I have been banging a 30 year old school teacher who is attractive genetically but does very little to upkeep her appearance and because of this is not nearly as hot as she could be. However she does make up for this laziness with usually outstanding oral performances. She certainly gives the best consistent blowjob I’ve ever gotten.

Over the weekend she threw a party for her birthday. She invited me but I really did not want to interact with her weird hippie friends who were all going to be about a decade older than me and none of whom I’ve met. I made up excuses all day to not see her and was extremely tired from getting back at 4:30am last night (more on this later).

At around 10pm I have already left San Francisco and am lying at my parents house preparing to go to bed, when I check my phone and there’s a text message from her and another number that I did not recognize. Her message read “come over and play with my friends!” this sounds appealing but I was 45min away, exhausted and I had a to wake up for a training the next day at 6:30pm that my boss told me about 10x was mandatory. So it was going to take a little more to convince me. The second message from the number I didn’t recognize had a picture of the teacher and a second super hot girl making out. The caption read “cum play with us!” I stuff my phone in my jeans, throw on the first shirt I see, grab as many condoms as I can fit in my hand and sprint out the door faster than jack rabbit running from a mountain lion.

I speed down the highway doing more than 80, park and run to the front door. However right before I get there I start to feel a little anxious. Keep in mind I had been an inch from getting laid last night and in my frustration had jerked off 3x that day. When this happens it almost always means that my dick is out of commission and I have no idea what’s waiting for me inside that door. What if another guy wants to get involved and they expect me to do stuff with him. I am ABSOLUTELY NOT down for that shit.

I suspend these thoughts and teacher opens the door. She is obviously drunk and is incredibly excited to see me. She drags me to her room and opens the door. She asks if I am ok with this. I say “why wouldn’t I be?” She replies that there is a couple in her bed that would like to watch us have sex. I say its fine but if I have to bang a dude I’m leaving. She says I won’t have to. We walk up the steps and I get even more nervous. I mean about two months ago I had gotten a threesome with two asian chicks I picked up from El Rio but I have never had to perform for an audience before. I guess my porn skills will be put to the test.

Inside her room there is a couple laying on the bed. The room is dark and I can’t really make out what they look like but the girl looks hot. I assume she must be the one from the picture they sent me.

They say hi and are very friendly. The girl follows this with “you must be the famous Lloyd?” I say “I didn’t know I was famous already,” they laugh and start taking off their clothes. The guy is pretty normal looking but the chick is even hotter than I anticipated. Perfect fake tits and an incredibly toned body to go with it and seductive face this brunette was ridiculous.

I start taking off my clothes and make out with teacher. I am not getting hard, the combination of nerves and a tired overused dick is not helping. I push her down and move to eat her out. Teacher is moaning uncontrollably but I still no wood. This causes me to start panicking but I play it cool and just have faith that it’ll turn up (quite literally) in a bit. I feign confidence and tell them I gotta go to the bathroom real quick. I step in the tiny stall and see if I can get hard. Nothing seems to be working my dick is just out of commission. It’s as if it knows there is another dick in the room, and is 100% not ok with this.

Keep in mind. Even if I have jerked off, I can ALWAYS get hard no matter what. You can find me completely drunk off my ass, or high as a kite on cocaine or weed and it doesn’t matter. My dick will be harder than military grade steel.

I go back in the room still playing it cool and come up with a solution by offering it as a challenge to the girls. Fake tits is up for the challenge and asks her boyfriend if she can suck my dick. He’s cool with it and she saunters over and proceeds to give me the best blowjob I have ever had in my entire life while teacher cups my balls in her mouth and alternately sucks my dick. Finally sleeping beauty has awakened from his slumber to a literal heaven on Earth.

My dick is hard and after a brief make out period I slop a condom on unfortunately but it takes too long to get to the sex and my dick goes soft again, no matter what I can’t get it hard, except this time I know what to do. I get teacher to give me head until it gets hard again and I quickly roll the condom on and wasting no time stick it in her.

Once inside I go to town. Lloyd has arrived. I fuck the shit out of her while the others watch in awe. After teacher has had enough, fake tits is sufficiently turned on. She asks her boyfriend if she can fuck me. He acquiesces.

I lie down and she goes to town on me equally if not exceeding her previous form and peppering in sultry eye contact. She puts the condom on and rides my dick like rodeo champion. I throw her down, push her legs up and pound her as if I was trying to dig my way to China. There is great eye contact, smiling, moaning and involuntary contractions from both parties. Yeah that’s good sex.

It’s getting late and I have to go to work tomorrow so fake tits finishes me off and teacher finishes her boyfriend off. I came so hard in Fake Tits’ mouth that I probably could have repopulated the entire planet 5x over. She tells me its her birthday today as well. I tell her that I had a big present waiting for her, but she just swallowed it…

Epilogue: When this first occurred I immediately assumed that the couple regularly engaged in these types of “swinging” activities. However after discussing this further with Teacher I have no found out that this was in fact the first time that they had ever done it. I believe they may have had a threesome with another girl. At least with Teacher, but another guy has never actually fucked her during their relationship, at least for sure in that setting. The only person who I know that had some form of experience in that area was the guy, who apparently is rich and does whatever the fuck he wants now.

Now you may be wondering how I became involved in this, basically because I was already banging Teacher and she thought I was mad sexy and awesome she showed my picture to Fake Tits, talking me up in the process. Fake Tits madly approved and her boyfriend, who might soon be her husband, was cool with it. The underlying point here though is actually MY ATTITUDE. Teacher had brought up tons of times sexual escapades she had with her other guys and I did not get jealous at all. Not only was I cool with the fact that she had had tons of sexual experiences previously that didn’t involve me but at the same time I showed genuine care for her. Guys usually get jealous if they hear of any sort of sexual experience their partner, exclusive or not, may have participated. I didn’t show this and so she knew I would be cool with it.

That if anything is some sort of advice I can give to you from this event.